Windows Vista = FEPIC PHAIL.

Like many others who have Windows Vista as an operating system on their computer, my hard drive crashed.
GRRRR.
All of my pictures (over 300), videos (about 30 or so), songs (500+), movies (9, I think), stories (4 -___-;), e-books (more than 100), bookmarked sites (200), programs (like, 40) and miscellaneous files (uhh, a lot) are GONE because of this.
I was just about ready to cry >.<
Vista sucks at, well, everything, and no one should ever have to use it -_-; It shouldn't even exist.
Now I'm computer-less, and only allowed to use my mom's when no one else is home cause my bro's on it all the god damn time even though he has a perfectly working computer in his room.
-mumbles obscenities-
Ugh! I hate not having a computer. I'm gonna get really really behind on everything I subscribe to.
I probably won't be posting any blogs in the next couple days, considering I won't have the means or the time to.
Until I return...

DFTBA,
Kay.

"I'm now at the end of my eternity..

... And I will sleep to have the darkest dreams. This just won't seem right to me. I close my eyes, and beg for peace. Jersey just got colder and, I'll have you know I'm scared to death that everything that you had said to me was just a lie until you left. Now I'm hoping just a little bit stronger. Hold me up just a little bit longer. I'll be fine, I swear. I'm just gone beyond repair."


So, those who know me well enough know that I have extreme trust issues. I used to give my complete trust to a VERY few select people. One passed away almost two years ago, one betrayed me, and the most recent one left me around a time where I needed him most.

I know, you're probably thinking, "Oh, but you must've trusted people when you were a little kid, right?" No. I didn't. When I was a kid I trusted my mother to an extent, but she never had my complete trust, because I'd been taught by my elders that what you see on the outside isn't always completely what's going on. Like, strangers with candy. They appear nice at first, but then they kidnap you and murder you or something. Also, I wasn't the most naive little girl in the world, and I knew that life wasn't compiled of rainbows and butterflies. I'd been exposed to the "crap of the real world" as far back as my memory allows.

I'd always been a little suspicious of everybody. Sure, I trusted people MORE when I was younger, but I never gave my complete trust until I had gotten a little bit older. Even then, the first person I ever 100% trusted was my grandmother. For the fifteen years that I'd known her, she had not ONCE let me down. I swear, that woman was a saint. A sarcastic saint with an attitude that I, now, admire, but a saint nonetheless. When she got cancer and passed away, a part of me was somewhat angry at her for dying. I know it sounds idiotic, but, at the time, I felt like she had betrayed my trust by leaving me. I kept thinking she just didn't care enough to fight for her life or something. Now, looking back, I'm ashamed of the way I used to think. I don't blame her, and I miss her like hell, but since she's been gone I felt like there wasn't a single person in this world I could trust.

It took over two months for me to realize that not all people in existence are completely and utterly untrustworthy, and I began to slightly trust people again. Still, not 100% trust, but at least it was somethin'. The first person who finally gained my complete trust ended up betraying me. I'm not going to go into that story or name names, but, once again, I was knocked back into the place where all people suck and don't deserve my trust.

A year passes, (a really tiring year, mind you) and finally, FINALLY, one more person inched their way to gaining all of my trust (I'll give you one guess as to who that was). He kept it for a few months, before May 11th hit. If you actually read all of my blogs, you know what happened on that day, so I don't have to go into that story.

Now, after all this, the point of this blog really is that I don't know what to do. My trust issues just keep getting worse, and worse, and worse. It's gotten to the point that it's just one teensy tiny step up above complete and total paranoia. I don't like people getting close to me, because I'm afraid that they're just using me. Similar to the song quote I put at the beginning of this blog (by the way, the song is Jersey by Mayday Parade if anyone's wondering), I'm scared that most of the things people say to me are just lies to keep me content until they don't need me anymore. I'm also afraid that there is going to be a point in my life where no one will need me anymore, or that I'll end up driving everybody away because, well, let's face it, no one wants to stick around with a person who's insanely suspicious of absolutely everything around her.

Can someone stop this ride? Because I'd really love to get off.

May 20th. Take a stand.

Someone in one of the cults I'm a member of on VF posted this, and I think it's a really great idea.
It's like the day of silence, but completely opposite.
May 20th is Homophobia Is Gay Day.
Take a stand, and let people know homophobia is wrong.

Two hypothetical questions...

The first one's a two parter.

1a: If you have a clone, and you kill it, is it murder or suicide?
1b: If you have a TON of clones, and you kill them all, and then commit suicide, does it count as genocide?

&&

2: If you sleep with a zombie, does it count as necrophilia?

Meh, I was in a "wtf" mood, and crap like this comes when I'm in these kinds of moods, haha.

DFTBA,
Kay.

It's tiny things that help.

Knowing that there are people out there who TRULY appreciate every kind thing done for them, helps me believe that there are good people in this world, no matter how bad they may mess up.

Today, I saw two people that I helped out a while back, (I won't say who they are, or what I did for them, because it then makes the good deed kind of selfish) but I know that they're still grateful for my help that night. One of the two used to dislike me, for no reason really, and the other I'd barely spoken to twice in my life, but they were in a pretty bad situation, and I went completely out of my way to make sure I would help in any way possible.

It's now about two or three months later, and every time I see them, they always smile and nod at me. I saw the two today, and one of them called me "sweetheart". Normally, I'd think nothing of that, and just assume that it's something that he calls a lot of people, but I've heard him speak with other people a lot, and not once have I heard him call anyone that.

Knowing that they still appreciate what I did for them that one night, months ago, really made me feel about 10 times better than I had been feeling today. It made me feel like I'm maybe not as shitty a person as I think I am sometimes...

I just wish more people could be like those two.

Hmm, DFTBA.
Kay.

Eff me in the A.

Apparently I jinxed myself with my May 5th post (which I've now deleted if you don't know what I'm talking about.. I'm not talking about the blog about Hank Green's birthday -_-;).

The boy broke up with me earlier today.

I have nothing to say about that, except..

I really hope he finds someone new, who's great, smart, loving, open, outgoing, beautiful, quirky, and everything else that I couldn't be for him.
I hope he finds someone with a great future ahead of them. Someone less taken down by life, because I know he can't handle more crap.
He deserves that person.


Forevermore, DFTBA.

What the fack.

Okay, so my mom has this book club thing where she orders books and they mail them to her. One box with three books came today. Since I'm a curious person, I decided to check out what books she got. Two of them were insignificant to this post, and one is what I have to talk about.

My mom ordered a book called "Is Your Teen Stressed or Depressed? A Practical and Inspirational Guide for Parents of Hurting Teenagers."

UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.
Excuse me!?

Let's take a look at this...
The first paragraph of the description is:

"The teen years are hard enough. But with today’s increased pressures to produce at school, stay in step with being cool, and manage a jam-packed schedule, it’s no wonder many teens are overwhelmed. The result is a generation experiencing greater stress and feeling more depressed than any other."

UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.
One. I don't go to school, so I have no pressures to produce at school. Two, I do NOT have even a SLIGHTLY "jam-packed" schedule. Three, "stay in step with being cool"?!? REALLY!? Do I seem like the type of person who worries about "being cool"?


Hold up! Wait a minute! It gets better! Let's read the last two paragraphs of the description.

"This book will inspire and equip parents to help their hurting teens. The well-known and widely respected author team of Dr. Catherine Hart Weber and Dr. Arch Hart help parents discover and identify nervousness, irritability, negativity, and low self-esteem, and determine whether their teen’s symptoms are caused by physical problems, raging hormones, stress, or depression. Offering practical suggestions, spiritual solutions, and encouragement, this resource helps parents and teens face their own feelings of fear, anger, and hurt.

Is Your Teen Stressed or Depressed? will help parents determine whether their child is simply acting like a hormone-raging teenager, or is actually suffereing from too much stress or even depression."


UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. REALLY?!

FIRST of all, there's a fepic typo in the description. "Suffereing", you say? Now what does THAT mean? Second of all, if they can't even spell suffering correctly, how are they supposed to be able to determine the difference between a "hormone-raging teenager" and a teenager with too much stress or depression?

Shouldn't people, ya know, leave that up to professionals to determine that sort of thing?

"this resource helps parents and teens face their own feelings of fear, anger, and hurt."

I seriously, ALMOST, can't believe my mom would buy a book like this. Just... UGH. I'm not mad at her or anything. More like taken aback that she thinks she needs a book to interpret my feelings, and that she thinks that a book probably written by Christians can help a mental problem such as depression through spiritual "solutions". If you're a real doctor, keep your spiritual crap out of my medicine. Please and thanks.

Everyone else, DFTBA.
Kay.

ZOMG IT'S HANK'S BIRTHDAY.

Nerdfighter birthday collab. (Toddly00, Drakesizzle, walllofweird, dscom0nkie, acheronwalthers, lianeandthemusic, residentmikelee, italktosnakes, FallofautumnDistro)



Hank's reaction xD (Neverftba)



John's video, in which he forgets to do something awesome for Hank. (vlogbrothers)



Abby from Songs From A Hat's awesome song & Birthday wishes from Jerry (Abby2R ft. jerryhcooke)



Nerdfighter chicks are more awesome (ScarheadProductions)



Wait, who the eff is Hank?! (Cmed1970)




All these people are made of awesome, especially Hank!
Goodbye 27-year-old Hank!! Happy Birthday. <3