"I'm now at the end of my eternity..

... And I will sleep to have the darkest dreams. This just won't seem right to me. I close my eyes, and beg for peace. Jersey just got colder and, I'll have you know I'm scared to death that everything that you had said to me was just a lie until you left. Now I'm hoping just a little bit stronger. Hold me up just a little bit longer. I'll be fine, I swear. I'm just gone beyond repair."


So, those who know me well enough know that I have extreme trust issues. I used to give my complete trust to a VERY few select people. One passed away almost two years ago, one betrayed me, and the most recent one left me around a time where I needed him most.

I know, you're probably thinking, "Oh, but you must've trusted people when you were a little kid, right?" No. I didn't. When I was a kid I trusted my mother to an extent, but she never had my complete trust, because I'd been taught by my elders that what you see on the outside isn't always completely what's going on. Like, strangers with candy. They appear nice at first, but then they kidnap you and murder you or something. Also, I wasn't the most naive little girl in the world, and I knew that life wasn't compiled of rainbows and butterflies. I'd been exposed to the "crap of the real world" as far back as my memory allows.

I'd always been a little suspicious of everybody. Sure, I trusted people MORE when I was younger, but I never gave my complete trust until I had gotten a little bit older. Even then, the first person I ever 100% trusted was my grandmother. For the fifteen years that I'd known her, she had not ONCE let me down. I swear, that woman was a saint. A sarcastic saint with an attitude that I, now, admire, but a saint nonetheless. When she got cancer and passed away, a part of me was somewhat angry at her for dying. I know it sounds idiotic, but, at the time, I felt like she had betrayed my trust by leaving me. I kept thinking she just didn't care enough to fight for her life or something. Now, looking back, I'm ashamed of the way I used to think. I don't blame her, and I miss her like hell, but since she's been gone I felt like there wasn't a single person in this world I could trust.

It took over two months for me to realize that not all people in existence are completely and utterly untrustworthy, and I began to slightly trust people again. Still, not 100% trust, but at least it was somethin'. The first person who finally gained my complete trust ended up betraying me. I'm not going to go into that story or name names, but, once again, I was knocked back into the place where all people suck and don't deserve my trust.

A year passes, (a really tiring year, mind you) and finally, FINALLY, one more person inched their way to gaining all of my trust (I'll give you one guess as to who that was). He kept it for a few months, before May 11th hit. If you actually read all of my blogs, you know what happened on that day, so I don't have to go into that story.

Now, after all this, the point of this blog really is that I don't know what to do. My trust issues just keep getting worse, and worse, and worse. It's gotten to the point that it's just one teensy tiny step up above complete and total paranoia. I don't like people getting close to me, because I'm afraid that they're just using me. Similar to the song quote I put at the beginning of this blog (by the way, the song is Jersey by Mayday Parade if anyone's wondering), I'm scared that most of the things people say to me are just lies to keep me content until they don't need me anymore. I'm also afraid that there is going to be a point in my life where no one will need me anymore, or that I'll end up driving everybody away because, well, let's face it, no one wants to stick around with a person who's insanely suspicious of absolutely everything around her.

Can someone stop this ride? Because I'd really love to get off.

May 20th. Take a stand.

Someone in one of the cults I'm a member of on VF posted this, and I think it's a really great idea.
It's like the day of silence, but completely opposite.
May 20th is Homophobia Is Gay Day.
Take a stand, and let people know homophobia is wrong.

Two hypothetical questions...

The first one's a two parter.

1a: If you have a clone, and you kill it, is it murder or suicide?
1b: If you have a TON of clones, and you kill them all, and then commit suicide, does it count as genocide?

&&

2: If you sleep with a zombie, does it count as necrophilia?

Meh, I was in a "wtf" mood, and crap like this comes when I'm in these kinds of moods, haha.

DFTBA,
Kay.

It's tiny things that help.

Knowing that there are people out there who TRULY appreciate every kind thing done for them, helps me believe that there are good people in this world, no matter how bad they may mess up.

Today, I saw two people that I helped out a while back, (I won't say who they are, or what I did for them, because it then makes the good deed kind of selfish) but I know that they're still grateful for my help that night. One of the two used to dislike me, for no reason really, and the other I'd barely spoken to twice in my life, but they were in a pretty bad situation, and I went completely out of my way to make sure I would help in any way possible.

It's now about two or three months later, and every time I see them, they always smile and nod at me. I saw the two today, and one of them called me "sweetheart". Normally, I'd think nothing of that, and just assume that it's something that he calls a lot of people, but I've heard him speak with other people a lot, and not once have I heard him call anyone that.

Knowing that they still appreciate what I did for them that one night, months ago, really made me feel about 10 times better than I had been feeling today. It made me feel like I'm maybe not as shitty a person as I think I am sometimes...

I just wish more people could be like those two.

Hmm, DFTBA.
Kay.

Eff me in the A.

Apparently I jinxed myself with my May 5th post (which I've now deleted if you don't know what I'm talking about.. I'm not talking about the blog about Hank Green's birthday -_-;).

The boy broke up with me earlier today.

I have nothing to say about that, except..

I really hope he finds someone new, who's great, smart, loving, open, outgoing, beautiful, quirky, and everything else that I couldn't be for him.
I hope he finds someone with a great future ahead of them. Someone less taken down by life, because I know he can't handle more crap.
He deserves that person.


Forevermore, DFTBA.

What the fack.

Okay, so my mom has this book club thing where she orders books and they mail them to her. One box with three books came today. Since I'm a curious person, I decided to check out what books she got. Two of them were insignificant to this post, and one is what I have to talk about.

My mom ordered a book called "Is Your Teen Stressed or Depressed? A Practical and Inspirational Guide for Parents of Hurting Teenagers."

UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.
Excuse me!?

Let's take a look at this...
The first paragraph of the description is:

"The teen years are hard enough. But with today’s increased pressures to produce at school, stay in step with being cool, and manage a jam-packed schedule, it’s no wonder many teens are overwhelmed. The result is a generation experiencing greater stress and feeling more depressed than any other."

UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.
One. I don't go to school, so I have no pressures to produce at school. Two, I do NOT have even a SLIGHTLY "jam-packed" schedule. Three, "stay in step with being cool"?!? REALLY!? Do I seem like the type of person who worries about "being cool"?


Hold up! Wait a minute! It gets better! Let's read the last two paragraphs of the description.

"This book will inspire and equip parents to help their hurting teens. The well-known and widely respected author team of Dr. Catherine Hart Weber and Dr. Arch Hart help parents discover and identify nervousness, irritability, negativity, and low self-esteem, and determine whether their teen’s symptoms are caused by physical problems, raging hormones, stress, or depression. Offering practical suggestions, spiritual solutions, and encouragement, this resource helps parents and teens face their own feelings of fear, anger, and hurt.

Is Your Teen Stressed or Depressed? will help parents determine whether their child is simply acting like a hormone-raging teenager, or is actually suffereing from too much stress or even depression."


UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. REALLY?!

FIRST of all, there's a fepic typo in the description. "Suffereing", you say? Now what does THAT mean? Second of all, if they can't even spell suffering correctly, how are they supposed to be able to determine the difference between a "hormone-raging teenager" and a teenager with too much stress or depression?

Shouldn't people, ya know, leave that up to professionals to determine that sort of thing?

"this resource helps parents and teens face their own feelings of fear, anger, and hurt."

I seriously, ALMOST, can't believe my mom would buy a book like this. Just... UGH. I'm not mad at her or anything. More like taken aback that she thinks she needs a book to interpret my feelings, and that she thinks that a book probably written by Christians can help a mental problem such as depression through spiritual "solutions". If you're a real doctor, keep your spiritual crap out of my medicine. Please and thanks.

Everyone else, DFTBA.
Kay.

ZOMG IT'S HANK'S BIRTHDAY.

Nerdfighter birthday collab. (Toddly00, Drakesizzle, walllofweird, dscom0nkie, acheronwalthers, lianeandthemusic, residentmikelee, italktosnakes, FallofautumnDistro)



Hank's reaction xD (Neverftba)



John's video, in which he forgets to do something awesome for Hank. (vlogbrothers)



Abby from Songs From A Hat's awesome song & Birthday wishes from Jerry (Abby2R ft. jerryhcooke)



Nerdfighter chicks are more awesome (ScarheadProductions)



Wait, who the eff is Hank?! (Cmed1970)




All these people are made of awesome, especially Hank!
Goodbye 27-year-old Hank!! Happy Birthday. <3

PERFECT song for me right now.

If you've ever seen Ghost Ship, you know this song.

Lyrics:
Silent in my sanity
I live safe inside my cell
In the darkness that surrounds me
I see my own special hell
Comfort in my suffering
Feeling warm inside this pain
Before I was coming down on me
I come on down again

I let you win, you come on to me
And you're so fucking brave
A chewed out lighted candle
Fell in my cool and empty cave
Somewhere in your world
They tell you this is what the people need
Doing all that shit on me
And leave me here to bleed

Cradle falls
(I live save inside my cell)
(In the darkness that surrounds me)
Unholy walls

Cradle falls, unholy walls
Cradle falls

Silent in my sanity
I live safe inside my cell
In the darkness that surrounds me
I see my own special hell
Comfort in my suffering
Feeling warm inside this pain
Before I was coming down on me
I come on down again

You woke me out of my secret grave
You let your pretty world in

Cradle falls
(I live silently inside my cell)
(You woke me out of my sin)
Unholy walls
(You woke me out of my secret grave)
(You let your pretty world in)
Fall...

Now you're in my world
Did you dream it be so small
My little box was perfect
'Till you destroyed it all
My sanctity of sorrow gone
Forever in it's place
The sacred sweet of you
Is all that's left to taste

Feeling claustrophobic
Now my world is closing in
Subtle retribution
Where I am and where I've been
I'll take you to a place
You never knew could be
Curled up, in my little box

Cradle falls


- My Little Box by Gabriel Mann



I'm not even going to write anything else, because it's extremely self-explanatory. Interpret it as you will, but if you know me, you should be able to understand.

Blurb.

My hope/sanity/patience is wearing much too thin.

R-e-s-p-e-c-t.

"I'm thinking maybe I'm actually gettin' close to finding out who I am..."

Believe me, uttering that line (or anything to it's effects) is not a way to gain my respect.
Tell me that you know who you are. You don't have to know what your purpose on earth is or where you're going in life. Just tell me that you know WHO you are, and I'll respect you. Even hinting that you're not sure who you are makes me believe that you can't know who I am, and if you can't know who I am, I don't want to associate with you, and I certainly don't want to respect you. You can't know other people if you don't know yourself.


"It's my -insert number here- month/year clean today."

NEVER a good way to earn my respect.
Sure, that's cool that you've gone however long you have without using drugs, but the fact that you USED to be addicted to some substance or other isn't cool. Tell me on your deathbed that you haven't touched a single mind-altering substance in your entire life and you'll gain my utmost respect. But if you've still got a lot of livin' to do, and you tell me you've kicked a habit for part of your life, I won't care. You still have time to mess up.


"I haven't eaten meat in -insert number here- months/years."

That's supposed to GAIN my respect?
-insert ticked off look here- Vegetarians/Vegans ANNOY me. It's great that you're doing something about something you believe in, but that's just idiotic. Animals are here for a reason. To feed us and give us nutrition. Being a vegetarian is not a healthy lifestyle, no matter WHAT you say. And either way, they're going to keep killin' the animals (If you even THINK of saying "supply and demand" about that, I'm going to supply my foot up your ass and demand you shut up). So, if you're livin' with other meat-eaters and they throw away a little bit of meat for every time you don't eat, that's a waste of life. Think a little, please.


"I've never talked bad about another person."

Hahahahaha.. Hahahaha... Hahaha.. Haha.. Ohh wow.
I just have somethin' to call you, and it definitely ain't somethin' along the lines of someone who deserves more respect from me...
Liar.


"I've never been tempted by others during my relationship/marriage."

Bigger liar. It's human nature to be attracted to more than one person. If you truthfully say to me that you've been tempted, but have never strayed, THAT will gain my respect, because that takes a lot of strength. Put it this way. You're a dog on a leash. It's only fair to give some slack on that leash, but the second you start pullin' on it, you should be yanked back.


"I take everything I do seriously, and make sure it gets done right and on time."

-swallows back bile-
Tight-ass. Has society sucked every single ounce of fun out of you? Did your mommy refuse you cartoons as a child? Was daddy too busy at work to play games with you? Christ, loosen up. It's awesome that you have responsibilities and that you can get stuff done, but I'm not going to respect you MORE unless you know when the time for fun is.


"I think I have a great sense of humor..."

Oh really? Great sense of humor, you say?
Quick.. What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?... 1: If you didn't know that the answer to that is "Pizza's don't scream in the oven", then you don't have a great sense of humor. & 2: If you found that offensive and not funny AT ALL, you don't have a great sense of humor. If you have even a slightly good sense of humor, you would have found that joke at least a little bit funny. Sure, it's offensive, but offensive jokes are funny. Anyone who has a great sense of humor doesn't need to SAY that they have a great sense of humor. Prove it to me by being funny, or at least by appreciating a good joke, and I'll respect you.



I'm not saying that saying any of the above mentioned things will make me disrespect you, but saying them to try and GAIN my respect is a big mistake. You want to gain my respect? Be yourself. TRULY yourself. Don't try and be what society has told you to be. Don't try to be what you've been taught to be all your life. Don't try to be what you think other people will appreciate and respect. DO NOT try to impress me. Do NOT tell me things that you think will gain my respect. If you have the balls to stand up to me and confidently be yourself and say "Hey, I fuck up sometimes, but I learn from every fuck up I commit. I may not be perfect, and you can't change me. Take me for everything I am, or leave me for what I'm not.", I'll give you all the respect in the world.



DFTBA, it's important,
Kay.

They're Taking The Hobbits To Isengard!

Ohhhh my gosh. I can't believe I haven't seen this video before.
I have to share it with any non-nerdfighters or non-vlogbrother-watchers. Or even any Nerdfighters who've stumbled upon my blog. But then again, you've probably already seen this video, and not been stupid like me, and accidentally skipped over it >.< Well, some NITs might not have seen this. Gah. Whatever. This video is just made of so much awesome, and if you've seen it once, you should see it again. And again. And again. AND AGAIN! o_o;

It's Hank in Denver Airport.



IT'S SO JOKES!

Never FTBA,
Kay.

Oh, John Green.

"Hank, I'll be the first to admit that the puppy sized elephant would be cuter if it were not so... dead." -cut to picture of small elephant skeleton- "But still! Pretty cute! It turns out that there were several different kinds of miniature elephants, some of which were so small that they were only like, three feet tall. Hank, it's believed that the last species of puppy sized elephant went extinct about four thousand years ago. It's not clear what killed them off, but it might have been people. Oh, people. Why must you ruin everything? In fact, Hank, if I ever do get a letter back from evolution, it's probably going to go something like this:

"Dear Human,
Thank you for your letter. We made you a puppy sized elephant. But then you killed it. Fancy that. You're welcome for your thumbs.
Evolution.""
-John Green (VlogBrothers ep: "A Short History of the PUPPY SIZED ELEPHANT")


^ That is one of the most made of awesome quotes I've ever heard in my life. Thank you, John.
I will never be as jokes as Mr. Green, but I can still practically idolize him. His awesome style of writing, his devilishly handsome (and no, YouTube is not devilishly blurry) looks, his quick wit and nerd jokes. Oh, what it must be like to be John Green... Meeting him is definitely on my "TTDBID" list.

I'll keep hoping & You guys DFTBA,
Kay.

Note to self.

Note to self:
Remember this about the boy.

(text message) "Night babe, love toy"
(in my head) "Love toy? Double you tee eff? haha"
(text message) "You* lol Love toy sounds so wrong."

His quirky moments never cease to make you giggle & try not to forget that.


&; DFTBA

Just a note...

In case anyone doesn't understand my blog title thingy, (as I expect 99% of anyone who possibly reads my blog won't) it sort of means that I believe what I do is never quite good enough. "Jokes" = Cool. If anyone's a Nerdfighter out there, you understand how "jokes" became the word to replace "cool". But yeah, I've never been quite cool enough for many people's standards. However, to me, this isn't a terrible thing. I roll with it as best I can. I try to just go with my own flow. I, as a person, am a work in progress. I know this, and I embrace this. So, though I never may be quite jokes enough, it's not going to stop me from doing and being what I want to do and be.

DFTBA,
Kay.

OH! Also, many of you probably don't know what "DFTBA" means either.. This is also something any Nerdfighter knows. It's the abbreviation for Don't Forget To Be Awesome. So yeah, now you know. :)

Hotel California

I've been listening to the song 'Hotel California' by The Eagles on repeat for god knows how long. A few of the lines in the song got me thinking. For example, some of the lines in the song are "Some dance to remember. Some dance to forget" and "And she said, 'We are all prisoners here, of our own device." and "We are programmed to receive. You can checkout any time you like, but you can never leave." The last line is the one that makes me think most.

This song really got me wondering. I wanted to know what the band's initial meaning for the lyrics are, so I looked up the song on Wikipedia.com. This says that "This song is generally understood to be an allegory about hedonism and self-destruction in the Southern California music industry of the late 1970's; Don Henley called it 'Our interpretation of the high life in Lost Angeles'". Learning this, I was a little disappointed. When I heard the lyrics, I thought of much deeper things.

However, I quickly remembered that music can be interpreted by people any way they wish. What the song means for the band doesn't necessarily have to be what it means to you. The following things are a couple ways that I've interpreted this song.

The first thing I thought when I heard this song is that it was all a metaphor for terminal illnesses. The main reason I thought that was the last line (You can checkout any time you like, but you can never leave). I think it's quite understandable how I came upon the terminal illness interpretation. I thought immediately of my grandmother. She died about a year and a half ago of lung cancer. When she got sick I couldn't stand the thought that there was nothing she or we ("we" being me and the rest of her family) could do to make her escape her pain before her death. When I listen to this song I realize how true it was that she could "checkout but never leave". Even if she accepted the fact that she had cancer, and she did, it wouldn't make the fact that it was going to take her life change. So in a way, the fear of dying "checked out", but the fact that she was going to die never left. Even when she passed, and didn't have to suffer anymore, she "checked out" as a victim of cancer. That fact would never leave. It would always be a part of her memory.

The second thing I thought of when I heard this song is that it could be signifying drug addiction. Once again, this wasn't just a random thought. Many people close to me in my life have battled drug addictions. The main one was my mother. She was addicted to Cocaine for many years, and even after she didn't do it so much, she became addicted to narcotics. After about 10 years of being addicted and screwing up many aspects of her life, she knew she had to change. Be that as it may, she will always be known as an addict. It will NEVER stop being a part of her. Even now, she still does an occasional line of coke, just for the hell of it. She is by no means still hooked on it, but she still has the occasional craving, and that's understandable. Many, many, MANY lines in this song made me think of addiction. A few are "This could be heaven, or this could be hell." "Some dance to remember. Some dance to forget." "And still those voices are calling from far away." "We are all just prisoners here of our own device" "They stab it with their steely knives, but they just can't kill the beast." "Running for the door, I had to find the passage back to the place I was before." There are even more than just those, but I thought those were more than enough to show my point. The dance line is one of the ones that made me think of it most. The way that addicts have different reasons for doing drugs. Some do it to alter the way they think about things. Some do it just to feel good. Some do it just because they can't stop. Some do it to make them forget the things they think are bad in their lives. Even if you're a recovered addict, it's something you can never escape. You'll always be tagged as an addict. Just like the traveler in the song couldn't escape Hotel California, addicts can't escape their addiction.

Eek, I just realized how long this blog is getting o_o; I'll just name a couple other things I thought of when listening to this song, but I won't go into detail like I did with the past two. Hopefully you can figure out my reasoning. One is that Hotel California was a symbol for an insane asylum. Another is that it was Hotel California is a symbol for suffering. The last was that Hotel California is signifying Hell.

Well, those are just my opinions. I always wonder how other people interpret this song, and I wonder if anyone will agree with any of my interpretations... And yes, I know I used the word "interpret" too many times. So sue me =P haha.

Well that's it, I suppose. Hope I got ya thinkin'.

As always, DFTBA,
Kay.

Note to self.

Note to self:
Don't watch movies like Titanic or What A Girl Wants when you're feeling particularly lonely and hopelessly romantic.

As always, DFTBA.

Aha! I can post surveys here too.

RED
What is love? -breaks into song- Baby don't hurt me. Don't hurt me, no more. -ahem- Uhhhh, haha. I don't know what love is. Well, I do, but I don't know how to say what it is.
Name 3 things you feel very passionate about: Photography, relationships, living.
Does fire fascinate you? To an extent. I'm not, by any means, a pyromaniac though.
Do you have a short temper? No.
Are you very warm hearted? To an extent.
Do you feel intense emotions? Yes

ORANGE
Are you bright? Define "bright". As in, intelligent, yes. As in, bubbly, not really.
What are the three most wholesome things you’ve done lately? -blank stare- Sadly, I don't think I've done anything wholesome lately.
Is vibrance a good characteristic to have? - Yes
Are you rich in self confidence? - No
Are you rich in vitamin c? Haha, no. As far as I know I have a vitamin c deficiency

YELLOW
Are you a very happy person? - No, but I'm not manically depressive.
Do you like the sun? - Yes.
Do you ever feel utter and complete joy? - Not really
Do you feel like the volume in your life is all the way up? - No. Most times I feel as if it's muted.
Do you feel warm inside when you hug people? - Yes

GREEN
Are you incredibly lucky? - No. If I didn't have bad luck, I wouldn't have any luck at all.
Are you easy going? - Pretty much.
Are you very mischievious? - You spelled mischievous wrong. And, yes, I suppose I can be.
Are you very lusty/sexy? - Sexy, no. Lusty, well.. Blame the teenage hormones.
Ever find a four leafed clover? - Nope
Are you fresh like a mint? - Haha, Nice simile. Um. I don't know quite what you mean though.
Does nature speak to you? - Yes.

BLUE
Do you love to look at water? - Yes.
Are you calm/relaxed? - Pretty much all the time, yes. I'm one of the most mellow people anyone could meet.
Is it very difficult to upset you? - Yes.
Are you at peace? - In certain ways, yes.
Are you comforting? - Yes.
Are you well balanced? - No way.
Are you content? - No.
Are you royalty? - -bemused look-
Are you very free spirited? Yes
Are you conceited? - Not at all.
Do you have a passion for indulgence? - No.
Are you a grape? - I don't believe so?
Are you a purple horseshoe? - Certainly not.

PINK
Are you less than intense? - Meh. Define "intense"
Are you incredibly feminine? - I can be when I want to.

BLACK
Do you absorb everything possible? - Yes.
Are you incredibly energetic? - I can be. I find myself, however, feeling very lethargic too much.

GOLD
Are you expensive? - Not at all. I'm extremely low maintenance.
Are you worth it? - I don't know. I don't think so. You tell me.

First blog...

Why am I blogging? Well, a total of four of my friends now have blogs on some site or other, and I figured I'd start my own.. However, as I was browsing through the various blogs on this site I realized that I have nothing even slightly interesting to say about anything, really, in comparison.

I'm not embarking on some journey to find myself. I'm not following the success of a new business or a new home. I don't have a growing family to talk about. I don't have a goal I'm trying to achieve. I just have a lot of free time, and a want to write about something, anything, to keep my mind busy.

So, although I have nothing particularly engrossing to write about, I will be updating this blog quite frequently. By 'frequently' I mean multiple times a week. Sometimes, even, multiple times a day.

In the meantime, DFTBA.
Kay.