"I'm now at the end of my eternity..

... And I will sleep to have the darkest dreams. This just won't seem right to me. I close my eyes, and beg for peace. Jersey just got colder and, I'll have you know I'm scared to death that everything that you had said to me was just a lie until you left. Now I'm hoping just a little bit stronger. Hold me up just a little bit longer. I'll be fine, I swear. I'm just gone beyond repair."


So, those who know me well enough know that I have extreme trust issues. I used to give my complete trust to a VERY few select people. One passed away almost two years ago, one betrayed me, and the most recent one left me around a time where I needed him most.

I know, you're probably thinking, "Oh, but you must've trusted people when you were a little kid, right?" No. I didn't. When I was a kid I trusted my mother to an extent, but she never had my complete trust, because I'd been taught by my elders that what you see on the outside isn't always completely what's going on. Like, strangers with candy. They appear nice at first, but then they kidnap you and murder you or something. Also, I wasn't the most naive little girl in the world, and I knew that life wasn't compiled of rainbows and butterflies. I'd been exposed to the "crap of the real world" as far back as my memory allows.

I'd always been a little suspicious of everybody. Sure, I trusted people MORE when I was younger, but I never gave my complete trust until I had gotten a little bit older. Even then, the first person I ever 100% trusted was my grandmother. For the fifteen years that I'd known her, she had not ONCE let me down. I swear, that woman was a saint. A sarcastic saint with an attitude that I, now, admire, but a saint nonetheless. When she got cancer and passed away, a part of me was somewhat angry at her for dying. I know it sounds idiotic, but, at the time, I felt like she had betrayed my trust by leaving me. I kept thinking she just didn't care enough to fight for her life or something. Now, looking back, I'm ashamed of the way I used to think. I don't blame her, and I miss her like hell, but since she's been gone I felt like there wasn't a single person in this world I could trust.

It took over two months for me to realize that not all people in existence are completely and utterly untrustworthy, and I began to slightly trust people again. Still, not 100% trust, but at least it was somethin'. The first person who finally gained my complete trust ended up betraying me. I'm not going to go into that story or name names, but, once again, I was knocked back into the place where all people suck and don't deserve my trust.

A year passes, (a really tiring year, mind you) and finally, FINALLY, one more person inched their way to gaining all of my trust (I'll give you one guess as to who that was). He kept it for a few months, before May 11th hit. If you actually read all of my blogs, you know what happened on that day, so I don't have to go into that story.

Now, after all this, the point of this blog really is that I don't know what to do. My trust issues just keep getting worse, and worse, and worse. It's gotten to the point that it's just one teensy tiny step up above complete and total paranoia. I don't like people getting close to me, because I'm afraid that they're just using me. Similar to the song quote I put at the beginning of this blog (by the way, the song is Jersey by Mayday Parade if anyone's wondering), I'm scared that most of the things people say to me are just lies to keep me content until they don't need me anymore. I'm also afraid that there is going to be a point in my life where no one will need me anymore, or that I'll end up driving everybody away because, well, let's face it, no one wants to stick around with a person who's insanely suspicious of absolutely everything around her.

Can someone stop this ride? Because I'd really love to get off.